Merry November :)

 Hello...

On the first of November, i.e. on Friday, it snowed a lot. Also, that was when I started listening to Christmas music. I don't want to listen to it too much though, so I don't get sick of it before December! lol. I love Christmas music. Here is my ultimate Christmas music list on Spotify:

Christmas deluxe

I am doing OK, by the way. We had a huge fall out with the missionaries... It is a long story and I don't like it. Most days I cry because the missionaries have been literally shunning me. I mean, I have apologized and changed and tried to stay away from them as much as possible, still they are mean to me. Yes, I said it: They are mean to me. 

I visited Utah from the 13th of August until the 16th of September. It was SO great! 

The RMs are sure a lot nicer and HONEST and kinder than the current missionaries.

Just saying.

Eventually, they will go home and I will not miss the current missionaries. They don't speak to me, they don't even answer when I talk to them. Only the sisters in the first ward are nice. Then I have a lot of missionary friends around Finland, still serving their missions and still my friends. They don't think I should be shunned. They are still my friends. 

The sisters in the second ward look so angry and bitter. I am flabbergasted how they can be like that.

I kind of feel sorry for them, they think they are doing the right thing. It is sickening too... It's so hypocritical. Seriously, it is. I think they have a lot left to learn. I think they think they know everything because they are 20 years old and 20 year old people tend to think they know everything.

I am 44 and I don't know a lot. 

I just know that the way they are behaving is NOT Christlike...

Enough said.

All I have done is tried to help and support them. I am always friends with the missionaries. I always am happy to see them and to laugh and joke. Apparently the sisters took my friendliness for something else and ASSUMED I am a BAD person. How nice. They are not very nice.

They don't know me.

I have kept in touch with a few missionaries back in Utah and a few still on their mission here. I don't care if it's against the rules or whatever, You do not decide what I should do. There are a lot of missionaries that are sympathetic towards my situation. I am so grateful for them.

My mom said that it is time for me to move away from Tampere. Some of the church members here are and have been mean for most my life, in a way or another. They really want me to move to Jakobstad. Or wherever, just away. I agree now, I will gladly move... My mom and dad and my friends in the Jakobstad ward/branch (at church there) are so much nicer and the ward is like a family.

I will do my best to move SOMEWHERE. 

I have been having a lot more pain in my legs and I went to a nerve pain examination on Wednesday. My childhood friend's mom came with me. They are such a nice family. They have helped me a lot and they have always been supportive of me.

Sorry for the rant. 

A true Cinderella story

 Good morning!

I went on a cruise for new year's with my friend.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how my life REALLY IS a version of Cinderella...

My name is Cindarella. I was put into an orphanage when I was a tiny baby. At three months old I was adoted to the Santonen family, my parents are the best! They are my best friends. I grew up in a secure and loving home. 

At school I was bullied, ten years until I snapped and needed to go to the hospital for eight months when I was 17. I got ill on my mini-mission in Jyväskylä in July of 1997 when I was 17 and I stayed eight (!) months at the hospital recovering from my illness.

I came back to high school, passed the finals and finished school well and graduated.

Ever since I have been sick I have been looked down upon, belittled and ridiculed etc. Bullied at my first (and last) job, bullied at university (not so much) and especially at church. I survived. People may think I am week and complaining a lot, they don't know my whole story, they only see the surface.

Doctors ask me questions like:

"Do you know how to use a computer?"

"Are you able to read in English?"

"Do you live in a care facility?"

The answers to those are: "yes. yes. and no." To clarify, I have a blog since 2007 and have designed the templates etc that are on my many blogs. I am also able to use zoom and other stuff on my laptop. I studied English at the University of Stockholm for 12 (!) years on/off. I think they would have thrown me out of the English department if I wouldn't have been able to read and write English... Just saying. And I do NOT live in a care facility. I have my own apartment that I take care of. I have two cats that are my furry babies. I even take care of them! WOW. Unbelievable to some, I know. :D hahhah.

Also, I play the piano and sing OK.

As was Cinderella, I have been belittled, bullied and discriminated. Yet I have persisted and kept up my hope, love and faith. I have not given up on my dreams. I am not stupid. I feel sorry for you if you think that.  I wake up each morning with gratitude and a smile. I feel sorry if you don't. 

I have a few friends that do see my worth, I am grateful for them. And even if I would be completely unintelligent and uneducated, it wouldn't make me less worthy or wouldn't diminish my worth as a person. I try to learn new things. It is not impossible for me to learn new things, I am sorry if some people see problems that are simply not there. Maybe they should get glasses, both physical glasses as well as emotional, mental and spiritual, intellectual...

The day will come when I will be vindicated. I don't need anyone's approval or permission to be myself. I have confidence in myself. I am not ashamed of myself, I am not sorry for being me. I am so lucky and blessed.

That was my rant. More later!

Good afternoon from Finland! :)

 Hey there! 

I don't remember if I told you guys that I have severe depression and used to have really bad anxiety for years. This year I suddenly got a lot better. In February/March I usually need to go to the mental hospital for a few days at least and on top of that I have spent weeks, if not months at home alone with my cats most days and lied on my couch and scrolled hours on end on my phone. I was really in a bad state. I was afraid of going outside, I had zero energy, I cried and had a lot of anxiety. I did not clean my home a lot, I felt I could not do anything. It was the bottom of my life so far... 

Then I met the new missionaries (and some who had been here since earlier) and one Sunday I asked for a blessing from the elders. Slowly from that moment on I started to feel a lot better. I went outside more! I cleaned more! I got a lot more energy! I lost 10 kilograms! :) I am so happy I found these friends. I am so grateful for them. In another blog I write more about the missionaries... 

https://swefinnmissionarybonusmom.blogspot.com/

I really do not know what exactly happened. I just know that I feel alive again and a lot happier. 

Maybe people started praying for me more, maybe I believed a little extra in the power of the blessing I got, maybe the missionaries who became my bonus children really helped me get out of my bad depression by helping me in many ways and allowing me to help them. Because if I can't help anyone or if no one wants me to help, I feel pretty useless and I do not feel appreciated and I just slip into a really dark place...

THANK YOU MISSIONARIES <3 

I am so grateful. I skipped the "going to the hospital in the spring" -part of my year and that is so valuable to me. I am so happy... Also, because I am spending my time a lot more with the missionaries I see their good example, I want to be better, it helps me to progress. I would have probably continued being a depressed crazy cat-lady with no energy forever, or for a very long time at least. My anxiety is completely gone! :)  I am sure it will come back maybe sometimes at least to visit but I am just so happy it is gone right now :)

More later!

Good morning! :)

 Hi there! 

It is a lot easier to blog about my life in general than about books, I am sorry. I have my good old trusted book blog too but I have been in an awful reading slump. Plus I have started knitting instead. I could listen to audiobooks at the same time but sometimes it is difficult to concentrate...

I usually just listen to music or the radio during my knitting moments.

I knit a lot at night when I can not sleep or at the church on Sundays or at the activities. A little mean old lady at church asked if I am not going to get that scarf done soon? She saw that I was knitting it two weeks in a row... She was pretty mean. I knit very rarely. I am not fast, I am not good at it and I am doing my best. Mean people do not have patience lol.

I still feel a lot better nowadays, even if I feel a little down I very soon pick myself up, which would have been imposible a year ago... A year ago I was at the hospital 11-14 of March. I had bad anxiety. I was supposed to move back to my hometown. I did not move and that was a VERY good thing.

My missionary friends visited me in the hospital last year. Elder Holm and elder Phelps, sister Sanders and sister Nyland. Really lovely humans. I am so grateful. The missionaries have visited me many times when I have been in the hospital but let's not get into that, wrong blog lol. :D

It is Barbie's birthday today! (wrong blog again lol)

Have a good day! :)

Something about life at the moment

 Hi...

I recently started another blog. The subject there is missionarywork. It has been read a lot.

My life outside of that has been very interesting to say the least.

 I really was not feeling okay or like I was hyper active and very happy for about two weeks. First I thought it was my painkillers making me high, nope! It was just life and the feels I sometimes experience. They usually come and go, but this time my happy mood has persevered even though everything in my life is NOT all peaches and flowers etc. I have found many ways to deal with my anxiety and honestly I have not had a lot of anxiety for almost a month. :) My friends have helped me a lot.

I am actually amazed how I still can be this happy! I smile each day a lot, laugh and mostly think very happy thoughts. I am a new person. I also have become more perky and do not need as many naps as before and have a lot more energy. I have lost 10 kilograms! I felt like I was eating all the time but apparently not lol. I am happy about that too.

I think something has changed that used to bother me a LOT. I just left the problem in the past and I must say a few friends have helped me leave that thing behind me, for which I am forever grateful. I used to lie in bed all day for weeks on end just scrolling through social media. A MIRACLE happened. I am so happy I feel a lot better. Some people or situations still trigger a negative response or emotion but I do not care so much, because every time I feel really good right afterwards. There are very few things in my life right now that can make me really severly depressed anymore!

I was afraid of getting a psychosis for those two weeks :( some feelings can SEEM like a psychosis or like you are not yourself... That is what happened to me lol. I hate and love when my feelings go crazy and my mind follows. It is not possible to pull the breaks, but I managed it. I just calmed a little down, and now I feel pretty normal. "Normal" for me is not "normal" for everyone lol. I try to be normal but it really does not work for me. I am at least happy that I am becoming an adult now at the age of almost 43 lol.

Well, there are some of my thoughts. I need to try to read today-...

TA! ;)

At the end of 2022... :)

 Good morning!

Sorry I haven't written in over a year... A lot has happened lol. Good and bad.

I had to go to the hospital in the spring and now in the fall... I stayed almost a month now in the fall at the hospital. It is a good hospital, in Sastamala, a little farther away from my home but very good quality. Very nice nurses and good food. 

I was supposed to move in the summer but I canceled my move in the spring... I felt like it is not good for me and I really love my home in Tampere. My cats also love living here... I have many friends and a lot of hobbies and things to do every day. 

I have continued collecting Barbies and ponies etc. My collection is ever growing :D

I am happy today :) It's a little before 5 am and I woke up so early because I fell asleep before 8 pm. Also, my cats were hungry... They are always hungry hahhah. I will nap later, so it's okay. Yesterday my friend from church came and cleaned my home with me for two hours, it was nice.

I am participating in nanowrimo, which is a writing thing in November... I have started a little already. I am writing on scrivener and of course these blogs of mine. As usual, I also try to keep up with my regular journals too... a lot of writing lol.

More later! :)

Early morning thoughts

 Good morning! 

I know, it's Saturday morning, it's a little past four a.m. here and I can't sleep even though I should be sleeping... I woke up with a stomach ache from yesterday's burrito lol. It made my stomach a bit upset. It usually doesn't do that, but it's okay. It was a good burrito. I like burritos. 

So, this update comes a bit earlier. I was going to try to update you once a month, but I just got the inspiration to write now. There is nothing I can do about that. LOL. I slept five hours, I fell asleep really early... I will soon go back to bed.

I've been pretty happy lately. Life is good. Sometimes I get anxiety etc. but it always does pass sooner or later. I have good medicine. I haven't seen my shrink in more than six months, they are very busy obviously. Feels like the health care system here in Tampere isn't working quite as it should. At least not the mental health care... It is awful. I hope everyone who is suffering can cope. There's always the hospital... But it gets crowded. It's really horrible.

Anyway... I have been busy and meeting friends, going to church and writing in my journals, reading, watching netflix etc. :) I'm happy with my life right now. Not anything missing... LOL. I know, I'm single, but I am not worried about that. Not at all. It will all work out. It doesn't get better if I worry about it. 

More later! :)